I don't mean this actual second as I write those words, more like "this whole spring." My darling baby has turned into a BEAR.
Although I may remember precious little on a day-to-day basis, one parenting nugget that has stayed with me for my entire career is that Age 4 Can Really Suck. I first learned this fact when Ethan was four. My easy-going, shy little boy was suddenly defiant and angry - angry that he was not in charge. Of everything. He became a frequent brandisher of "The Claw," meaning that when frustration overtook him, his reaction was to snarl at me through gritted teeth and make a menacing claw at me with his hand. (The boy was unknowingly channeling wrestling sensation *Baron Von Raschke, who made the pose famous.) [See interesting footnote on the Baron below.]
Age four took the form of moodiness, foot-stomping and door-slamming a year later with Abby, and when Gracie hit four... Actually, Gracie was an easy four! (The Shoe Tantrums came later. Since this post is about Four, I won't delve too much into that period except to say that Gracie morphed into a holy terror every. single. time. she had to wear shoes. On one particularly bad day, Randy got so frustrated that he threw Gracie's shoes out the front door. Incredibly, on that same day but in a separate incident, I also lost my head and threw her shoes into the driveway. I may or may not have yelled, "As God is my witness, I will not be defeated by shoes!" Probably not our best moments as parents.)
Mira's four-year-old meltdowns make The Claw look like child's play. She embraces her rage, ignoring my attempts to distract, calm or warn her about consequences, and then BOOM! the firestorm hits. Her meltdowns are textbook, like something you'd see in a Will Farrell movie: she lies on the floor, kicks and screams, throws objects, and eventually gets her face all snotty. Of course, it's no fun to be in the throes of a tantrum by yourself, so she gets up to follow me from room to room, her shrieks approaching and receding like the Doppler effect.
One morning, as Mira was in mid-tantrum about something, Ethan mentioned to me that he'd gotten As for the trimester. "That's amazing!" I said over the racket. "You are the Golden Child." Abby interjected from her bedroom that she had also gotten As and was cleaning her room (a rare occurrence). The two of them started bantering back and forth about why each should be the Golden Child. Suddenly the tantrum stopped and the hoarse, furious voice of the preschooler - or maybe it was Linda Blair in The Exorcist - screamed, "I'm the golden child!" (Except her speech trouble got in the way so it was actually "I'm the golden chi-lid! I'M the golden chi-lid!") Ethan just laughed and said, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're definitely NOT the golden child right now." You can imagine how well that went over.
Recently, my mom witnessed Mira's unbecoming side and took matters into her own hands (after her reminder that "four-year-olds are big girls" fell on deaf ears). On Mira's wall there now hangs a No Tantrums chart. If Mira can get it filled in, she gets a special date with Grandma. (And, of course, she will be the Golden Chi-lid.)
*Interesting Baron Fact:
Starting in 1995, the Baron appeared in several music videos produced by Harder/Fuller Films. Videos by Afghan Whigs ("Gentlemen"), Low ("Shame"), Souls ("Cello") and Harvey Danger feature the Baron in various guises. Around this same time, I was periodically working with Harder/Fuller Films on their music videos. When "Gentlemen" was filmed at the old Grain Belt brewery, Randy came along as an extra for a crowd scene. Our friend Rick Fuller nabbed him to be the second "circus muscle man" - alongside the Baron. So, Randy had a brief appearance on MTV circa 1995. Fifteen minutes of fame, baby!
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